Okay
by u2shay
Summary: Leah's world has fallen apart in every way imaginable. Can she find the courage to pick up the pieces and continue on? Rated T for language & mature themes. AU


**Title:** Okay

**Author:** u2shay

**Rating:** T

**Synopsis:** Leah's world has fallen apart in every way imaginable. Can she find the courage to pick up the pieces and continue on?

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"Push!"

I cried out as I pressed forward, my heart breaking all over again as my body contracted to bring this life into the world. Even in this I was alone. Always alone.

I fell back, panting, trembling. Another wave of pain built up and washed over me. _God…_

"Again."

I groaned as I pushed again.

"You're doing good," the doctor encouraged as I rested against the bed.

I glared at him, suddenly wondering what the hell kind of pervert a man had to be to become a gynecologist…

"Oh damn!" I growled as another contraction hit me. My body heaved, instinct and nature taking over. The doctor's words, the feeling of the nurse's hands supporting me as I pushed, the static drone of the general noise of the hospital all faded into the background. In this moment, it was just me and this baby and glorious wonders of natural childbirth…

"Shit! Goddamn…mother fu—"

"Breathe, Leah…"

"The epidural must be misplaced," the nurse whispered to the doctor.

I gritted my teeth. It wasn't _misplaced_; it was just that my wolf nature was burning off the drugs at an alarming rate.

"Head's free. One more push, okay. On three."

I gritted my teeth, a low keening wail leaving my throat. I slumped, my chin resting against my chest. I felt strange, empty…and there was just silence.

Oh God…_silence!_

One beat passed and then a second…then the room was a flurry of activity.

Two clamps, the slice of scissors, and then the doctor turned hurriedly away with a bundle in his arms.

"What! What's going on?"

"C'mon, little one. C'mon…" the doctor murmured.

His hand moved in a gentle motion over the bundle and it was followed by a very quiet, lethargic mewl. "Good boy…good…"

The cry rose in intensity and finally I could breathe again. The nurse squeezed my hand, her eyes swimming with tears. "He's okay. A bit small, but okay."

"A boy?"

She nodded.

"I want to see…"

A boy. A son. Sam's son… I frowned. No. My son. Mine.

When the nurse approached me with my baby cradled in her arms, I reached out, taking him naturally to myself. I gasped and as I held him close something shifted within me, within my heart. For all the months I had carried this child, he was foreign, something that I couldn't wrap my head around. I was admittedly bitter, at Sam, at Emily, at God.

It shamed me that I hadn't wanted this, that I hadn't wanted him.

With trembling fingers, I traced the blue knitted cap on his head. The baby squinted up at me and I automatically shielded his watery eyes from the glaring lights of the delivery room. They had put something in his eyes, some kind of ointment I guessed.

I smiled as a small frown drew his mouth down in a pout. Such personality, already. My fingers drifted over his little hands—so perfectly formed with little paper thin nails covering the tips. He gripped my finger, reflexively.

I jerked in surprise when he squawked and turned his face into my breast. As natural as breathing, I shrugged one shoulder out of my hospital gown, paying little attention to the room full of doctors and nurses, and guided my son to my breast.

I bowed my head over this child that had just passed from my body and cried. They were not tears of joy but of heartbreak.

I wondered if my curse, his father's curse, would one day be his. I could only pray that it would not be so.

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~oOo~

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Sam cleared his throat, startling myself and our son. I glanced up quickly and cursed my ever present reaction as my heart pounded loud in my ears. This was so wrong. All of it. Me, him, our son… I hated the way that he hung back, like he didn't belong here. Movement from the hall outside of the room they had moved us to caught my attention, and I saw a flash of Emily's dark hair as she paced. My cousin, instead of being in here with me, instead of congratulating Sam and I, was on the outside, waiting to take him from me…from us again.

This was so messed up.

I stared at Sam, unable to find the strength to pull up my ever present anger. Instead I felt more tears stinging my eyes. Always tears…and loneliness. Because even though I carried his child, even though I had once owned his heart, he was Emily's…and always would be. Nothing could change that.

Not even this.

What I didn't understand was why. It wasn't as though I couldn't bear him a son. I glanced down at the tiny child in my arms. So why would he imprint on someone else, if it was as if Sam believed and the imprinting process was to create stronger wolves?

My fingers traced over the smattering of dark hair that was peeking out from underneath the knitted cap on my baby's head. Was something wrong with him? With me?

Or was Sam's imprint on Emily just another stroke of fate's cruel hand, devoid of reason and logic?

Sam cleared his throat and shuffled in place. "So, ah, it's, uh, he's a boy…?"

"Yeah," I replied unwilling to look at him.

Why did this have to be so damn difficult?

"His name…?"

"Haven't decided yet." I was still watching my son as he settled back against me with a soft coo, his mouth puckering slightly as he softly sucked at the air and fell back asleep.

Sam still hovered in the doorway, almost as if he was afraid to look at our son…or me. "Um…as you know," he was shuffling again, "E…Em…ah, Emily and I are married now."

Did he want my freaking congratulations? _Get to the point, jackass!_

"And, uh…she's…she's pregnant…"

I turned my face to the wall when my eyes burned with tears once more. Today, of all days, he came in here and told me this…while I was holding his newborn son.

"And, well, we have a nice home and the little one here will have a brother or sister soon, and really we would be the best choice and Emily would love him like her own…"

I frowned, trying to make sense of his rushed words. What. The. Hell?

"Excuse me?"

"It's the best for everyone really. A stable home with two parents. Emily and I decided—"

"You and Emily decided?" I hissed.

He looked shocked. "Well, yes..."

I couldn't breathe. She had taken my man and now she wanted me to what? Hand over my son?

"Get out," I whispered.

"We'll provide him a good… What?"

I sat up in the bed and gently laid my son in small plastic bassinet nearby. I was all but trembling with rage. Turning to glare in Sam's direction, I repeated my words. "Get. Out."

"But, LeeLee…"

I picked up the empty water pitcher off the tray table and threw it at his head. "I said get the hell out of here!"

One of the nurses came running at the sound of the commotion. "Sir, I'm afraid you'll have to leave." Though the nurse was gray haired and only a little over five feet tall, she had the demeanor of a woman three times her size and half her age. Her hands were on her hips and there was practically fire spitting from her eyes. She pointed toward the door. "Don't make me call security."

"Leah…"

"Stay out of our lives, Sam."

"But…"

"Sir, I said you need to leave," the nurse interrupted.

"You owe me this. I'm done…with everything," I whispered, knowing that he would understand that I meant more than just his involvement in my life.

Sam stared at me for a long moment, so many emotions warring in his dark eyes—love, hate, confusion, regret, resignation."

"If that's what you really want…"

I nodded once and sighed, turning for the door. The nurse shut it behind him and frowned. "Was that the father?"

I shook my head. "No."

She nodded, knowing, I'm sure, that I was lying but she didn't call me on it. "When they come in tomorrow to get information for the birth certificate, tell them that you don't know who the father is."

I glanced up at her, shocked, but I smiled—sort of. "Okay. Thanks."

She approached the bassinet and smiled down at my son as she rearranged the knit cap on his head. "Have you decided on a name?"

I shrugged. I really hadn't given it much thought before now. "Maybe…Jason?"

"That's a nice name."

Tears filled my eyes for what seems like the hundredth time today. It must be the damn hormones. "What if I can't do this?"

"I think you can."

"I'm afraid," I said as I dashed a tear away.

"You're strong."

"I'm alone. Why am I always alone…?"

The nurse brushed her fingers across the baby's head when he began to fuss. Amazingly, this calmed him. "Not so alone anymore, I think." She stared at me meaningfully.

I glanced down at the baby—Jason—again, and I realized that she was right. I wasn't alone. I had this baby, and he had me, and we were going to be…all right.

My heart lightened. "It's going to be okay…"

The nurse smiled. "Yes, it is." She patted my hand. "You get some rest, Ms. Clearwater. I'll make sure you aren't disturbed again—for a while anyway."

"Thank you," I whispered as she turned away.

I stroked my fingers over the baby's cheek. "So…Jason… Guess it's just you and me, kid." He scrunched up his little face and stretched, his arms crooked backward over his head and his little torso lifting toward the ceiling. He cooed quietly and blinked up at me. I smiled. "Hey there," I said as he sucked at his fist. "I'm your mama." And as a fresh wave of tears rolled down my cheek, I realized that for the first time in months my world was finally right…and that I was _finally_ going to be okay…

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A/N: Hi there. Thank you so much for reading this little drabble. I wrote it ages ago, and I think I might have submitted it to a funraiser a while back, but I can't remember. :)

Anyway, if you'd like to leave a comment, you know what to do. I may consider continuing this in some form or fashion in the future - I have some ideas - but this is all for now.


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